Mixed Up - Part 1

Guess what Reader? I played in yet another Ultimate tournament. And it was great!

Surprise twist though: my ex was there. With her new boyfriend. I was not expecting that, but in all honesty, it went pretty well. I gave her a hug, wished her well, played well against their team (who happens to be one of the best in the country, alas).

Like our previous encounters, she seems to be the one more distraught than I am, which is totally unfair considering she was the breaker-upper! I'm the one that's allowed to get emotional!

For my part, I continue to handle myself beautifully, especially given that this meeting was a complete surprise.

It gets easier every time. I deserve props for today.

I'm gonna assume you just fist-bumped the screen.

Thanks, Reader. You're the best!

Too Close!

My Macbook died today. I always knew this day would come, I just hoped I'd get to say goodbye first.

It was running fine this morning, then I brought it in to work, turned it on and... waited. And waited. And cried. And waited.

After a few rounds of 'boot up, hope, repeat', I had exhausted my technical expertise. I needed help. Professional help. (no not that kind, well yes, but no)

I took it in to the Mac store, cradling it like a sick child.

Little did I know it was the Canadian launch of the iPhone 4 today. There was a HUGE line that had apparently been waiting since 8pm last night. I've never seen a line this long that didn't have Harry Potter characters in it.

As I stood there, staring at the line, knowing that time was running out for my baby, an employee approached me: "Are you looking to upgrade to an iPhone 4?"

"How dare you?! She's not even cold yet!"

She took that to mean that no, I was not in fact here for an iPhone. Reluctantly, she ushered me past the line.

I reached the repair bar (it does not serve booze, I checked) and with hopeful, tear-rimmed eyes I implored the guy behind the counter: "Can you fix her?"

The Mac man (or "Genius" as they like to be called... pretentious much?) asked if it was still under warranty.

"No, she doesn't have health insurance."

He said he'd have to order some parts, it would probably cost a few hundred dollars.

I looked at him like he'd just suggested I have my dog put down.

"Do Macbooks go to heaven?"

Then the Mac man, er Genius, did me a solid: he offered to fix it. For sex free!

Oh Apple.  You're like Dane Cook.  I want to hate you, but you're just too awesome!

Remember Me Fondly

Dear Reader:

We've had some good times, you and I. Remember when we took off our pants for freedom?

This virus has me by the short and curlies. It might be the end of me.

In case I don't make it, I just want you to know, you were always my favourite. You can totally have my stereo.

Sincerely Yours,
Pie

ps. you're supposed to head towards the light, right?

pps. Avenge me.

Pocket Full of Posies

I've been sick the last couple days. My head feels like I've been stuck on an airplane too long. An airplane where the pilot and co-pilot are at the helm either locked in mortal combat or having their carnal way with each other.

Sleep it off you say? I would, except I wake up in the night feeling like I'm deep sea diving. Do you have any idea just how long a day can be when you don't break it up with sleep?

And food has no taste. I can't even eat my boredom away!

All things considered though, it's not that bad. Being sick is a great excuse to relax and be lazy. I get to sit back, pop the vitamin C and oil of oregano (yech!) and focus on getting well.

For a high strung individual like me, it's a good feeling.

You Sly Minx!

I had my first physical today in 4 years. Like I said, I'm busy.

So either I am a HUGE narcissist or my doctor is totally hitting on me

First she has me take off my clothes. Slowly.

Then she proceeds to probe me for weaknesses. She takes my blood pressure and listens to my breathing. You know, evaluating my stamina.

Finally, she "checks" my testicles. For "lumps".

Maybe next time I can play the doctor.

I know what you like

Some of you more observant Readers may have noticed that I didn't post yesterday.

What? I was busy! I do things.

So to make it up to you, today I will give you multiple orgasms posts.

This one, by the way, totally counts.

I'm scared to look...

I went on my first real bike ride in 7 years today. 60km round trip, uphill, both ways.

As I was bombing down one of the few, blessed downhill sections, a girl climbing the other way said "Hey Pie!" Well, obviously she didn't say pie, but you know, anonymity and such.

Come to think of it, had she actually said "pie" that would have been pretty awesome.

How she recognized me at such high velocity is beyond me. The fact that she then managed to register my face and shout my name in that 4.7 nanosecond window is pretty awesome. Almost as awesome as if she'd actually said pie.

I apologize, vaguely feminine blur, I did not have time to strike up a chat. I hope you're well. You're looking good. I assume.

Also, granola bars have never tasted so good.

Even more also, I am fairly certain there's a bicycle seat permanently imprinted on my ass now.

Miracles

Good news, Reader! I can walk again.

Even better news! I am officially an uncle! My first nephew was born yesterday at 10:00 am, 8 lbs. I wonder what it feels like to lose 8 lbs in one night.

Evidently he took his sweet time. Half-way through the 13 hour labour, my sister in law, bless her heart, gave in and had the epidural. She admitted as much over webcam this morning. I was like, honey, if it were me, I wouldn't have had an epidural; I would have had a friggin' surrogate.

8 pounds, 13 hours. Do the math, people.

His name's Mateo. Kinda pretentious there bud, but hey, you pull it off.

When you're 13 and I'm 37 (with the emotional maturity of a 13 year old) we are gonna be great friends.

Say hello to the Cool Uncle. The one that gives you sips of his beer and takes you to R-rated movies. Or as your parents will call it: "the zoo".

So this is how the other half lives...

I have spent most of today hobbling about thanks to a strained knee and a bruise across the top of my foot. I'll let you guess which awesome, disc-related sport is responsible.

On that note, this has made walking the dog a significantly more trying experience. I've been having good results training her to come (using an extension cord tied to the leash). She did so well yesterday that I decided to go without today. The results were not encouraging!

And of course, I can't catch her without a bum leg.

Thankfully, the squirrels were pretty spry.

Betrayal!

So Sydney (the dog) is here now. We've been getting along well. She follows me from room to room and guards me from my roommates. I had forgotten just how terrified she is of most people. That's what happens when you're born in a Mennonite puppy mill, I guess.

Thus far I've enjoyed hanging out with the dog. I've already taught her to come when I call her (something she was definitely no good at yesterday). That's because I am awesome. At dogs.

My roommates tolerate her fine; all except one. The cat. This morning she was waiting outside my door, staring at me. Judging me.

Skittles' accusatory look says it all: "What have you brought into my home?!"

Impending Doom!

In less than an hour my friend's dog arrives, when I'll be taking care of her for the next three days. The dog, not my friend. Try and keep up.

She (the dog) is adorable, and a barely contained ball of crazy. Throw a frisbee anywhere in a 5 mile radius and she will leap 6 feet straight up to retrieve it. She can also run flat out for hours. Bitch doesn't have an off-switch.

That said, I am excited! I really love dogs, and can't wait for the day I can have my own. And I like my dogs the same way I like my women: athletic, smart, and CRAZY!*

So, Reader, be warned. There may be some dog posts in our future!

*I am reforming though. I'm trying to stay away from crazies; they are my kryptonite. Right now I'm looking for a keeper. That's called growth.


EDIT: New Ecology Ottawa post can be found here.

You say Gelato...

Lots of news today!

I wrote another post for Ecology Ottawa, which may be submitted to Apartment 613, and if you've ever heard of either of those, you are clearly stalking me, and I'd like you to stop.

And I finally went on another pseudo-date with my crush! I just can't quite figure this girl out, which is probably what makes her so damned attractive. That and being an engineer and an avid cyclist. If we were a couple, she would totally be the dude.

We went out for gelado, which apparently is actually spelled "gelato" (something she took great pride in correcting me about). I was seriously in Italy like 3 months ago eating the stuff and she (an engineer!) totally word pwned me. Damn that is hot.

Afterward we went to see Inception, which was a good movie. In spite of this, the story is so layered and complex that keeping track of the whole thing feels like cramming for a test. A test where Leonardo DiCaprio and Jason Gordon Levitt kick ass and take names.

I would ace that class.

PAIN!

After a weekend of short-roster Ultimate, then rushing home to play soccer on sunday, I feel like I was on the wrong end of a serious ass-kicking.

Given the amount of posts about Ultimate lately, I'm thinking maybe I should start an Ultimate blog on the side... more on that as events unfold. (notice how I seem to capitalize "Ultimate" and not "soccer"... interesting.)

I don't know if it was the beer, the heat, or just sheer exhaustion, but I felt good this weekend. Apparently, an effective way to deal with nervous energy is to burn it the fuck off!

In other news, I've decided to get back into cycling. After an 8-year hiatus, I am back from retirement! I dusted off my old biking shoes and am planning a big ride in a few weeks (a ride for which I am woefully unprepared!)

Thus far, having not used clip-ins for the better part of a decade, I have managed to avoid the painful, if hilarious, side plop. For those not in the know, that is when you brake but fail to extricate your feet from the pedals (because some jackass decided it would be a good idea to weld you into a spinning death-machine). This results in a comically ungraceful dismount wherein you simply fall onto your side and lay there humiliated like a turtle on its back.

If you haven't yet experienced this, you are not a real cyclist. Retire your spandex.

Live a Little

Last night I realized an important lesson: sometimes, you have to stop counting calories, stop worrying about money, or being embarrassed or feeling awkward and just LIVE. NOW.

I do, on occasion, get overwhelmed by the prospect of partying with a large group of people. I'm not particularly into the bar scene, for this very reason. With people I know, plus a few sprinkled-in strangers, I am usually the life of the party, and a shameless (and I do mean SHAMELESS) extrovert.

But with a large group of people, I am often terrified of getting trapped in an awkward situation. The weird part is I'm not even sure what I'm so afraid of. Time and again people have proven themselves to be, on the balance, pretty awesome.

Most groups will go out of their way to make you feel included. Beyond that, most people can be just as shy as I am.

Last night was a case in point. My teammates, whom I don't know as well as I'd like, were all partying in one of our hotel rooms (and racking up noise complaints, as it happens) and I was in the final stages of preparing for sleep: pants off, reading lamp on. I could hear their laughter coming from down the hall and I said you know what? FUCK it! I'M GOING IN.

So I joined my Ultimate comrades and we had a BLAST. We exchanged card tricks (I won a free beer), beers (and probably some serious germs, germophobes be warned, team sports are not for you) and the most riveting/revealing game of Never Have I Ever of all time!

Lesson learned: sometimes, you just have to let loose. Stop doing the responsible thing, and just start doing SOMETHING.

Comedy of Errors Part 1

This weekend I'm in Montreal for the Comedy of Errors tournament. The schedule had us playing five straight games all through the afternoon, starting with the Great Canadian Ultimate Game.

The GCUG is an Ultimate game played across the country over 24 hours. It started in the Yukon at midnight and has been steadily making its way to the east coast. Each team has a charity, and the winning team's cause gets all the proceeds.

As cool an idea as it is, there is a flaw to this system. See, one team's charity is the Boys and Girls Club, while the other is Right to Play. Basically, this means you are playing for the same cause, no matter which side you're on.

This is a missed opportunity: people would play harder if the stakes were higher.

Like if the losing team had to perform community service. Or sign up to be big brothers and sisters. Of course, it probably doesn't boost children's self-esteem to be begrudgingly accompanied by an adult who has nothing better to do than play Ultimate at three in the morning. These are not good role models. They are the losing team; kids want to hang out with WINNERS.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, our day was cut short by lightening, so I've actually been drinking since this afternoon. Apologies all around.

Remember when this blog wasn't about Ultimate?

Me neither.

Tomorrow morning I wake up at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am to drive to Montreal for yet another tournament. As much as I love Ultimate, this is just getting downright silly.

On Geeks

First off, this might be the greatest thing ever.

I'm not actually much of a geek. Oh, I appreciate the odd moment of geekiness, and think Star Trek's a good show*, but I'm not the kind to dress up and debate who would win in a cage match between Kirk and Picard. Because uh, Picard, obviously.

*For the record, Deep Space Nine is by far the best series. Okay, so I may be a geek...

In truth, I have a strange feeling of respect for people who get into costume and go to conventions. They know people make fun of them, and they do it anyway, because it's just what they like to do.

Likewise, it takes serious cojones to spend an afternoon LARPing... in public. For the most part people avoid them like a leper with SARS, as if geekiness were something you could catch. And still these uber-geeks, or Geeks 2.0 if you will, aren't the least bit deterred. Hell, they're having a blast. That's pretty admirable.

When you get right down to it, the only difference between dressing up as a wizard in a cardboard battle and painting your whole body blue for the Big Game is that the latter is almost certainly beer-induced.

You know the old saying "Dance like no one is watching"? These geeks have brought that shit to a whole 'nother level.

WE DID IT!!

Today is a momentous occasion!

Not only have I finished a whole month's worth of posts, but today I got my first blogging gig! I was asked to do some blogging (paid in gratitude) for Ecology Ottawa.

You can check it out here.

In other news, I may be mildly concussed. The hits just keep on coming. Thanks to Ultimate I now have a sore body, a black eye, a tan that will never even out, and a nagging suspicion that I have blown a gasket in my brain.

And you know what? Totally worth it.

Words of Wisdom

Things I've learned:


It's the people around you that make life worth living. Keep up with old friends. After all, someone has to bail you out of jail.

Don't just tolerate family, embrace them. Remember, they will lend you money at low interest.

Your parents tried their best. Forgive them. How many of your friends would have put up with you when you were acting like/being a two year old?

You're not as ugly as you think you are. Stop worrying about it already.

You know how the world didn't end today? I call that a win.

Soap. Use it.

Regionals Part 2

You may have noticed I did not post yesterday. I want to assure all (two) of you that I am indeed alive and well, despite the best efforts of our opponents/the sun in trying to give me heat stroke.

Things not to do in a heat wave: spend all weekend playing ultimate with no shade and a tube of sunscreen that I'm convinced is rated SPF-Placebo. At one point, I looked at my hand and noticed it was shaking uncontrollably, as if trying to break free of its moorings and make a bid for freedom.

Beyond that, we had a great weekend. The tournament was very competitive, and we came close to making it to The Show (Nationals). We did manage to crush our rivals, which felt good. It's all about the little things.

I got in about 2:00 am last night (hence no posting). My legs feel like they're threatening to go on strike, but it was well worth it.

Things I never want to eat again: bananas, bagels, gatorade, anything in bar form.

REGIONALS PART ONE

We went 2 and 2 today. We made the wins we had to, now we just have to rally tomorrow to get a spot at nationals.

I'm starting to realize that a lot of the joy of tournaments is the team bonding. There's so much more that happens off the field that is all part of the experience. Last night we went for all you can eat sushi and now I have officially discovered what it feels like to be drunk on food. And turns out it was Mark's birthday, so naturally, we had to get the free cake. It's a matter of principle.

You would be surprised just how much fish a team of ultimate players can pack away. They brought us The Boat, heavily laden with sashimi. With each progressive round of sushi orders, the waiter would shoot us a look of surprise mixed with either profound respect or just deep revulsion.

And that was before we played. Tonight's dinner will be downright gluttonous.

Is he joking?

Dear man cutting down my tree at eight in the morning: I will destroy you.

It's Quiet... TOO Quiet...

I gave my ferrets away to the rescue society today. It was hard, but I know it was the right thing to do. I can't afford to take care of them and I don't have a stable enough living situation to be a good home.

Even knowing that they're better off, it's hard to think that when I go to sleep tonight, I won't hear them romping around the cage. When I eat my breakfast, Snickers won't be climbing his way up my leg to get onto the table. Hershey won't be sleeping on my foot, trapping me in place.

I know they were hard to deal with sometimes. I know they were inconvenient. But they were mine, and I loved them.

It's gonna be strange looking for my keys and knowing exactly where to find them.

Awkard Teenage Phase Round 2

The other day (Canada Day, in fact) I ran into a girl I'd gone on a couple dates with back in high school. We were both too shy and awkward so it didn't really go anywhere.

Skip ahead like eight years.

I thought 'Hey, we're both new to town, let's hang out and be friends.' I even said the word explicitly, friends. She heartily agreed and we've been hanging out a lot this week.

Now comes the interesting part. I think I actually have a crush on this person! When we hang out I get butterflies in my stomach and I feel nervous and I'm just so anxious to see where things go. We seem pretty flirtatious, but it's honestly hard to get a read on the situation. I'm totally lost here! Hence, awkward teenageness.

I haven't had this feeling in a long time. Dates have lately not been an issue, as I am blessed with a totally undeserved level of confidence. Yet here I am feeling sheepish and afraid to look stupid in front of this girl and every time we part I'm eagerly looking forward to seeing her again!

It's like high school all over again.

Next thing you know I'm probably going to sprout a pimple.

FREEEE-DOMMMM!!

It's too hot to wear pants today. So naturally, I'm not.

And you know what? I feel liberated.

This experience has me thinking: what if wearing pants is one of those things people just do because everyone else is doing it? Like taxes.

Think about it, if nobody else wore pants, it wouldn't be weird. Of course, it would give a whole new meaning to "going commando".

I bet there are dozens, maybe hundreds, of like-minded visionaries out there right now enjoying a cool breeze under their breakfast tables. All of them wishing they didn't have to hide who they were.

Someone has to take a stand. And it just turns out that I happen to be someone.

I feel like Rosa Parks.

The Nicest People in the World

You know who are the nicest people in the world? People who drive trucks. In the city.

Yes, the same people who live downtown, work in an office, and decide they need the horsepower to haul 14 prize-winning buck carcasses and their neighbour's prius.

They're always offering to help you do things because they want to justify owning such a ridiculously overpowered vehicle.

"Hey man, you gotta move that cabinet? No problem!"

"You need gravel? -- I got gravel."

"Dude, that dead body? It's taken care of."


God forbid your parents had four wheel drive. That meant you and all the other kids in your carpool got to go to school on snow days. These are the same kids who's reliable, Japanese cars were never able to make the perilous journey up the street to your birthday party.

Just Under the Wire!

So as I closed my eyes for blessed sleep, I realized that I'd forgotten to post today. For that, dear Reader, I apologize.

Fortunately, I still have 12 minutes before the new day. So, what shall we talk about?

Well for starters, the heat today was biblical. It was hot enough to make you believe there is a God, and he's angry with us. I had the misfortune of having both an ultimate practice (yes, ultimate teams do practice) and a soccer game today. I'm fairly certain I sweat off half my body weight.

I will say this though: chocolate milk never tasted so good.

Skimming the Gene Pool

So apparently a man was shot today. Well, I'm sure many men were shot today, but this one was particularly avoidable.

Synopsis: Man keeps loaded gun in his oven. Presumably in case someone breaks into his home and forces him to bake them cookies. Anyways, he forgets it's in there and starts the oven. Calamity ensues.

Where does someone come off thinking this is a good idea? What level of paranoia prompts you to keep a loaded gun in the oven?

Spoiler Alert: He survives... I'll let you decide if that's a good thing.

I'll see your G8 and raise you a G20!

The G8/G20 just finished in Toronto. As usual, this conference was accompanied by much criticism and massive protests. It's all everyone's talking about.

Also as per usual, the protests turned violent, and this violence was met with a police response that was "excessive" in the same way burning down your house to kill termites is "excessive". Ultimately, regardless of whatever "tactics" those Black-Bloc Urban Malcontents (henceforth, BUMs) use, the burden is always on the state to keep the violence from escalating.

I understand the need for police to defend themselves, but this need must be qualified. In the same way we expect soldiers to go on dangerous missions, police (as representatives of the government) are expected to show restraint, even if it means increased risk of injury.

Now to you, BUMs. This is not the forum for your brand of "social justice". There are a great many legitimate grievances which need attention, not just your idea that 'starbucks makes too much money and must be destroyed'. In truth, I am sympathetic to your cause, but not at all to your methods.

I understand where you're coming from. Heck, I used to be you. But your "alternative tactics" don't work. The idea that 'all press is good press' is a myth. Paris Hilton gets lots of attention. What she does not get is respect.

You are not helping the cause. You are like that guy that nobody invites to their parties but he shows up anyway, gets way too drunk and belligerent and gets the cops called (actually that analogy works pretty well!)

Stop ruining the party, BUMs.

HAPPY CANADA DAY!

This will be a short post, on account of it being Canada Day!

It's time to go celebrate my country's birthday by being boisterous, drunk, and if all goes well, disorderly.

I'm just that patriotic.